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A Hole New World (Live)
(We cut to the outside of a building before some text pops up) Text: The G-man reviews A Hole New World live! (After the text goes away, we cut to a seating area with a large screen at the end of the room that’s inside of the building. The G-man runs into the room and the audience applauds) G-man: What’s up people? (The audience cheers) Alright! Okay, so we’ve got yet another comic to review today, and due to the outrage of a certain reviewer last time, I’m reviewing it with- Person in audience: Me? (It turns out to be Linkara. The audience applauds) G-man: How did you-? Linkara: I needed to make sure you didn’t pull that dick move again. G-man: Whatever, just come on up here. (Linkara does so as the audience applauds again) Linkara: Alright, what’s the comic? G-man: Alright, today we’re reviewing A Hole New World by YouTuber PopularMMOs! (Cut to the cover of the comic. The audience cheers) Linkara (V.O): But, don’t people like this comic? G-man (V.O): They do, and so do I! Linkara (V.O): Then why are we reviewing it? G-man (V.O): What? Can’t a guy give a positive review? (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: Alright, let’s just do this. This is- G-man: Hold up! Aren’t we forgetting something? Linkara: Oh, for fucks sake… (The G-man’s theme starts to play as the audience cheers and sings along) Song and audience (Singing): C’mon now let’s review some shit! You know it is my job. I feel like I’m the guy who’s only doin’ this! With my sword in my hand, I’ll find a way to tear it down. I won’t quit at all now, it’s a path I will go. But I won’t stop, ‘cause I’ll be there for you. Until the end, I will let you all know my name! (The audience cheers as we cut back to the cover of the comic) Linkara (V.O): The cover depicts our two main characters, Pat and Jen, in their Minecraft clothing falling from the sky. After introducing the authors and characters, we get in to the story. G-man (V.O): It opens with Pat, Jen, and their cat Cloud looking for Bomby, a baby creeper from the Epic Proportions series, when they stumble upon Captain Cookie’s ship. (As Jen) Hmm… No one’s home. Linkara (V.O as Pat): Good, let’s go. I didn’t want his help anyway. I can hear it already. "Can’t you two do anything without my help? I’m the best everything. Blah blah blah!"! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): Y’know what would be funny? Captain Cookie popping from out of nowhere and going "First of all, screw you!". G-man (In normal voice): Well, since it’s a comic made for kids, the appropriate line would be "Eat a cactus nice and slowly!". (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Captain Cookie isn’t home, so the two conclude that he’s missing, too. They find a rainbow in the sky, and Jen points out that it’s made by Gizmo. An NPC from a Minecraft Map series called Asleep. Linkara (V.O): Jen falls into a hole, big shocker, and while trying to save her, Pat falls in as well. And with the magic of continuity, they’re now in their Minecraft clothing. They explore the land a bit before Pat jumps off a cliff. Believing he can fly. And since he’s a main character in a children’s book, he survives. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: We’re not even 50 pages in, and I already have tons of questions! (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): Gizmo creates a rainbow that leads to a castle, but on their way there, they get ambushed by zombies. (As Jen) Pat! Don’t let it bite you! If you’re bitten by a zombie, you’ll become a zombie yourself! (In normal voice) And for those of you who played Minecraft, that doesn’t actually happen. G-man (V.O): And besides, Pat has a whole bunch of armor on. So, it’s almost impossible for him to get bit! But to be fair, it DOES teach children something. Linkara (V.O): What the hell is wrong with you…? Anyway, Jen gets kidnapped by someone anonymous, but literally four pages later, it’s revealed to be Carter; an NPC from the Crafting Dead. He explains that Jen’s evil counterpart, Evil Jen… Really? (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: Look, if you’re gonna be a villain, adding the word "Evil" to your name doesn’t make you one. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Carter explains that Evil Jen was the one who kidnapped Bomby, but before he can explain why, Pat busts in through the door. How did he find them? Linkara (V.O): With a magic spell called "Convenience", my friend. (As Pat) I shoulda known you were the one behind this, Carter! G-man (V.O as Carter): What?! What are you talking about?! Linkara (V.O as Pat): You’ve been trying to get between me and Jen for months! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): Looks like someone is hashtag desperate! (The same hashtag appears with a ding sound effect. Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Luckily, Carter is willing to help. Unluckily, he only has a damn pickle. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Tickle it? Linkara (V.O): DUDE! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: What the ever-loving hell is wrong with you?! G-man: What? Clearly, you’ve never heard the legend! Linkara: What legend? G-man: If you tickle a pickle, your enemies magically disappear! (Linkara facepalms) What? It’s deadly! (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): Carter loses his pickle to a zombie… (Cut back to the duo briefly) God, I can’t believe I said that… (Cut back to the comic) And if that wasn’t enough, the place catches on fire from inconveniently-placed lantern. (As Carter): You! Make yourself useful! Cut a hatch in ceiling so we can escape. G-man (V.O as Pat): Forget it! Jen and I are going this way! Out the front door! Linkara (V.O as Carter): Trust me, you’ll never make it! The zombies! G-man (V.O as Pat): Why should we trust you? Linkara (V.O as Carter): Because I know where Bomby is. (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): Okay, so are we just going to ignore the bandage around Carter’s arm? Linkara (In normal voice): We’re not idiots! Judging by a conversation from before, it’s obvious he’s hiding a- (The text "NO SPOILERS!" in all capital letters pops up as a buzzer sound is heard) What the fuck was that? G-man: Jesus Christ, this joke again? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): The trio escapes successfully where Carter somewhat explains what happened before Pat and Jen fell into the hole. (As Carter) Before Bomby went missing, he found this map in a Mystery Box. Linkara (V.O as Jen): What’s a Mystery Box? G-man (V.O as Carter): That’s not important right now. But Bomby was meant to find the thing this map leads to so we can defeat Evil Jen. (In normal voice) Okaaay… Are you going to explain where he got the Mystery Box from? Or why Carter’s arm is bandaged? Linkara (V.O in normal voice): I’m telling you; he’s hiding a- (The text "NO SPOILERS!" in all capital letters pops up as a buzzer sound is heard) Damn! Anyway, the three find a cave and Carter goes in. Only to run back out from a hoard of bats. One of them dropping a key that presumably unlocks the castle from before. G-man (V.O): The heroes make their way through the cave before ending up in- (Cut to splash page of Pat, Jen, and Carter far across from a castle in the sky that looks to be made out of candy) Whaaat? (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Apparently, Willy Wonka was their architect. (A punchline rimshot is heard before we cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): They meet a rainbow sheep name Mr. Rainbow who you may remember from the Lucky Block Mod… (Cut back to the duo) Someone had to say that… (Cut back to the comic) And he gives them one Mystery Box each. (Said Mystery Boxes look like Lucky Blocks which look like Item Blacks from the Super Mario series) Wow! I mean, wow! if that’s not ripping off shit, I don’t know what is! G-man (V.O): It turns out that Evil Jen’s castle is an island in the middle of a large lake. And since Carter’s the only one who can’t swim, our heroes walk along the shores to find another way across. As they’re getting chased by zombies, they find makeshift sailboat made by Captain Cookie. (As Carter) Never mind all this! We’ve got to get across the water! And fast! Linkara (V.O as CC): I’d be glad to take you, but it’s my teatime. And you can’t rush teatime. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): Dude, how about you take your own advice and eat a cactus nice and slowly? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O in normal voice): Carter attempts to use his Mystery Box, but it falls overboard. Before he can get it, Pat falls off as well. Quickly making a choice, Carter decides he has a heart and saves Pat. Unfortunately, loads of zombies climb onto the ship, tipping it over and sinking it in the process. Linkara (V.O): We then cut to evil Jen’s castle where she informs Bomby, and the readers, that he’s about to turn into a zombie. And this is where we finally get a good look at- (Cut to Evil Jen’s race reveal. She has abnormally large lips) Good grief, those lips! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: Seriously, is surgery non-existent in this universe, or is Evil Jen that intimidating to not get it? (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O as Evil Jen): I thought that disguising my portal as one of your TNT holes was a sure way to get Jen here to my kingdom, but I ended up capturing everyone but her. (The hashtag "#EpicFail" pops up for a brief moment) G-man (V.O): Bomby refuses to do her bidding, so she begins torturing him by scraping nails on a chalkboard and sending out spiders. Just as she’s about to initiate phase three, we cut back to the heroes who reach a conveniently-placed island. (As Carter) My Mystery Box is out there! Linkara (V.O as Pat): Leave it, dude! It’s not worth it. G-man (V.O as Carter): Easy for you to say. YOUR sword wasn’t eaten by a zombie! The Mystery Box is all I had! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): You think YOU’VE got a shitty weapon, check out my partner’s gun made out of Legos! (The G-man gives Linkara a dirty look as he pulls out his Lego gun and fires it upwards. Linkara jumps back in shock) G-man (In normal voice): You were saying? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Luckily, Pat still has his Mystery Box. When he opens it, it’s revealed to be TNT. Acting quickly, he throws into the water where the zombies follow it. (Cut to a clip from SpongeBob SquarePants where an explosion occurs. Cut back to the duo looking shocked) Duo (In unison): Jesus… (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): The heroes make it to the island where they stand in front of a giant wall. After going along it, they find a spot for the key from earlier. That quickly becomes a mistake when an iron golem attacks them. (As the Golem) HONEY BOO BOO! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): Oh, that’s unfortunate! What were your parents thinking? G-man: Don’t worry, it’s just a typical TLC fanatic. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Pat’s sword gets knocked over the wall. Meaning they’re powerless against him. Or her. Whatever. (As Jen) Oh! My Mystery Box! I still have my Mystery box! All right, Honey Boo Boo. Lett’s see you stand up to me… Chocolate chip cookies? (Cut to the game over screen from the original Super Mario Bros. briefly before we cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): They scale the wall with the help of Honey Boo Boo, but not before Carter get’s his Mystery Box back. (As Pat) Dude, are you all right? You’re not looking so good. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): I keep telling you, Carter’s- (The text "NO SPOILERS!" in all capital letters pops up as a buzzer sound is heard) That’s it! Who’s running this joke?! (Cut to Pivot in a control room spazing out while laughing like a moron) Pivot: This the best job ever! (Suddenly, the door to the room is kicked open by Linkara) Linkara: Cut that shit out! Pivot: Oh, hell no! (He pulls out his Stick Sword while Linkara pulls out his magic gun. After looking at it, Pivot screams and drops his weapon) Okay, I’ll stop! Linkara: That’s what I thought. (Cut back to the stage where Linkara sits back down next to the G-man. After a while, the latter speaks) G-man: …You’re fucked up. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Back with Evil Jen, she’s about to feed Bomby, and I quote: "A human finger cheese sandwich". Just don’t question it. Before Bomby is forced to eat it, one of the zombies tells her that Pat, Jen, and Carter are on their way. (As Evil Jen) Time’s up, Bomby. Something’s come up. You’ve made your choice. (In normal voice) She then force feeds Bomby the disgusting sandwich. Meaning he’ll turn into a zombie. Linkara (V.O): As the heroes are climbing the castle, they get bombarded with arrows in the ground, surprise attacks from zombies, and even an earthquake! Y’know, if Evil Jen can cause all of this, how come she still has huge lips? G-man (V.O): The heroes get attacked by more zombies, but as they’re fighting, something happens to Carter. (As Carter) …Bomby’s in the other tower… Across the bridge… Linkara (V.O as Jen): We can’t leave you here! The zombies will get you! G-man (V.O as Carter): That never mattered… They can’t hurt me… Linkara (V.O as Jen): What? What do you mean? G-man (V.O as Carter): Jen, I’m sorry… (Carter turns into a zombie. Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): Wait, so Carter was infected all along? Linkara (Sarcastically in normal voice): Oh, what a fucking shocker! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): The bridge is full of holes which Jen claims she she’ll never make it across, but Pat believes in her. Encouraged, she attempts to make it across. Linkara (V.O in normal tone): You know what this scene needs? A motivational song number. Joe Esposito (V.O singing): You’re the best! Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down! You’re the best! Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down! You’re the best! Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down! G-man (V.O): Pat and Jen successfully make it in, but unfortunately, Bomby’s already a zombie. That’s when Evil Jen reveals why she’s doing this. (As Evil Jen) For my whole life, people made fun of me because of my lips. They said that, if not for my lips, I’d be the most beautiful person in the world. Years later, I found out a person like that already existed. So I looked for you. And what I found disgusted me. You were happy. And it was very unfair. I just had to destroy you. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: Y’know none of this would’ve happened if you’ve just, oh, I don’t know… Gotten surgery for your lips! G-man (In normal voice): Will you get over her lips!? (He realized what he just said) Moving on… (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): Luckily, there’s a cure; pickle juice! Wow, that’s just pathetic. But luckily, Jen somehow convinces zombie Carter that Evil Jen is in the wrong. And you know what the really dumb thing is? It actually fucking works! Yeah, try that in a real zombie apocalypse and see where that gets you. G-man (V.O): Just as Bomby is receiving the pickle juice, Evil Jen kicks it out of Jen’s hands. Breaking it in the process. Thankfully, it was enough to turn him back to normal. Just as the three leave, Evil Jen attacks Carter. Making his Mystery Box from before activate. But before we can see what’s inside, we cut back to the heroes back outside. (As Jen) Where’s the bridge?! Linkara (V.O as Pat): I kinda… Sorta… Cut it down. G-man (V.O as Jen): Why would you do something like that? Linkara (V.O as Pat): Trust me, it was a great idea at the time! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): Pat, if you think that’s a bad idea, let me tell you about Trump’s presidency. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O in normal voice): Gizmo opens a portal in the sky and a giant Cloud comes down from it. After picking up Captain Cookie, the two are about to make it through, but unfortunately, the portal is an entrance only. Linkara (V.O): But it’s a good thing the key from before also creates portals! (There’s a moment of silence before Linkara speaks again) Yeah, I’m confused, too… And Carter’s also back to normal. But how did he turn back? Get this: (As Carter) When I was struggling with Evil Jen, I remembered that I still hadn’t opened my Mystery Box. And wouldn’t you know… (He pulls out another pickle) I got the sword I was hoping for, and for some odd reason, it was floating in a jar of pickle juice. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): If that’s not convenience, I don’t know what is! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Evil Jen appears one more time, claiming that she’s ruined everything, but Jen makes a convincing argument to make her come with them to start over, and… She refuses? Linkara (V.O): That makes no sense! She wanted a good life, someone gives her a chance, and she actually refuses because it’s the one who ruined it! Evil Jen, you are possibly the worst villain in a kid’s comic ever! Right beside the Goppernoppers from Ook and Gluk! G-man (V.O): Along with the zombies, the heroes make it home. I guess they’re the reason the Walking Dead happened. (As Pat) We haven’t thought any of this through. Like, what does this mean? There are zombies that exist in our world, Jen. What do we do now? Where do we go from here? Linkara (V.O): And so, our comic ends with these words of inspiration: Don’t look down, only look ahead. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: This comic sucks! (The G-man does spits out the drink he was drinking in shock) G-man (In normal voice): What?! What are you talking about?! Linkara: Don’t get me wrong, I thought the little moral at the end was a good message, and the fight scenes were epic, but the villain’s plans were terrible, half of the characters are just there, and pickle juice seems to be the Elixir of Life in this universe! There were so many holes in this story! No pun intended… G-man: You know what, screw you! I actually liked it! Linkara: You know what? Keep it. I don’t even want it. (He throws the book at the G-man who just barely dodges it. The G-man then pulls out a pickle) What the fuck is that? (The G-man runs up the Linkara and starts hitting him with the pickle) Ah! Ow! Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?! G-man: Admit that I was right. Pickles are deadly! Linkara: Okay, you’re right! Just stop! (He stops and suddenly gets happy) G-man: Good! Now was that so hard? Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! (The G-man walks out of the room as Linkara gets up. Rubbing his head in pain) Linkara: You are not a nice person… (Linkara walks out as well. The audience applauds as the review ends) Category:Episode Category:Special